The thought occurred to me that people might not think NVSTA is in English, since the title is in Spanish. This might keep some people from reading, but honestly translating the title now would seem kind of silly to me. Besides, it’s so much prettier in Spanish. I think it loses something in translation. So, I guess I’ll have to hope that people read the summary (which is in English) and think “Wow! Now there’s a story I want to read!”
REVIEW SHEET–TEST # 1
Chapter Five:
Edward
“Papa! Nana!” Cici shouted, launching herself at my parents.
My mom wrapped her arms around her, pressing kisses over her face and murmuring loving words. I saw the tears glistening in her eyes, and I had to turn away. I hadn’t cried in front of Cici yet… or at fucking all, and I didn’t know if I’d be able to stop once I started.
My dad put his arm around me, almost hesitant to give me a real hug. I thought I was doing so well on putting up a strong front, but I guess there’s little that gets by your parents, especially when it comes to emotional shit.
“I won’t ask how you’re doing,” he said as we made our way into the living room, “I’m sure you’re tired of that question by now. I’m also certain that you’re tired of hearing ‘if you need anything’, but as your father I reserve the right to say it.”
I smiled sadly at him, “Thanks, dad. I’m glad you and mom are here.”
“Where else would we be, son?”
All I could do was nod and walk away. If I started the waterworks now, I’d never fucking stop and I didn’t want to scare my daughter. I sat down at the kitchen table and stared at the catalogs that were currently the bane of my existence. I ran a hand through my hair and wondered what was next on the checklist.
I picked out her dress. Did she need jewelry? Makeup? Shoes? Did they put shoes on when you wouldn’t even see the lower half of the… the body? God, it’s hard even to think in those terms. This was my fucking wife, not some random person on the goddamn street! I let out a frustrated groan as I threw the catalogs across the room, on the verge of yelling like a bitch.
“Did that help?” Bella asked from the doorway.
“Maybe.”
She walked over and bent to pick up the papers I’d just thrown, “I know it’s hard Edward. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve almost lost my shit, but we can’t do that right now. Cici has no idea what’s going on, and we need to explain it to her. She needs her dad. That means you’ve got to keep it together, just for now.”
“I know.” I said, feeling like a child being scolded for having a temper tantrum. But she was right. My kid needed me now more than ever, and it wasn’t the time for me to lose my ever loving mind… but it was pretty fucking appealing right then.
“Need some more help with this stuff?” she sat across from me, laying the papers neatly in front of her.
“I got… I don’t… yeah. I do. I picked out her dress, but I don’t know what else to do now.”
She chewed on her bottom lip for a minute, thinking about what needed to be done, before she grabbed a notebook and a pen from the counter, “Picture to show how she liked her hair and makeup done, any jewelry you want her to wear, final decision on the casket, flowers, music… I can’t think of anything else off the top of my head. I need to look over the checklist again.”
I ran my hands through my hair, which was in bad need of a haircut, “Thanks Bella. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.”
Setting down the pen, she stood and moved to put her arm around me, “I’m so sorry Edward.” She rubbed my back for a few minutes, probably trying to see if I was gonna start sobbing like a fucking infant. To be fair, I kinda felt like I would have, if she hadn’t been there to witness it.
When it was time for Cici’s nap, I decided that I wanted to be the one to put her down. I hadn’t spent much time with her since I got home, and was feeling increasingly like a shitty ass father. I read her a story and laid down with her for a few minutes, just until Cici fell asleep.
Before I knew it, Bella was shaking me awake, telling me that we had guests.
“Who the fuck is here?” I grumbled, rubbing my eyes and crawling out of bed. I looked down at Cici and tucked her in before I went downstairs to find Kate and Irina, Tanya’s aunts, standing in the living room.
“Edward,” Kate said, holding her arms out to me and tears streaming down her face.
As much as I liked them, there was nothing I’d rather do less than see them right then, because having them here meant that my wife really wasn’t coming back and I couldn’t face that at the moment. I bit back the urge to tell them to leave, reaching out to hug them instead.
“Have you started making the arrangements yet?” Irina asked, glancing around the room and refusing to look me in the eyes.
“Yes, I have. I picked out her clothes. I’m looking at caskets and floral arrangements now.”
Kate stifled a sob and buried her face in her hands. I felt bad about it, but it was the truth. And right now, I didn’t know how to sugarcoat anything else. I was having a hard enough fucking time trying to pretend like life was peachy fucking keen with Cici. Oh God, that conversation would have to happen soon.
How do you tell your kid that their mother is dead? How do you make a 5 year old understand death? What if she thinks it’s her fault? Or what if she blames me? Fuck!
“Edward, did you hear me?”
I looked up at Irina, “I’m sorry, what did you say?”
“We would like to bury Tanya ourselves.”
“Excuse me?” my teeth clenched and I could feel my blood pressure spike, “Isn’t that supposed to be my job as her husband?”
Kate held up her hands, “That’s not quite what I meant Edward. You see, it’s tradition in our family to physically bury our dead. Once the casket has been lowered into the ground, we take shovels and do the job ourselves. Tanya participated in every funeral in our family since she was 10 years old.”
“Can’t this wait until later?” Bella asked as my mother came into the room, “You just got here and Edward has just started looking at options.”
“The decisions need to be made Bella,” my mother gave her a strange look, “The funeral is only a few days away, and the arrangements must be made with the funeral home and the florist.”
Before this could escalate into a full-on discussion, I stepped between everyone, “Give me a little while to think about it, ok?
Before Irina could say anything else, Kate nodded, “That’s fair. Just please… remember that Tanya participated in many of these types of funerals. It would be important to her.”
I didn’t say another word. I knew it was fucking rude as hell, but I left them in the living room and walked outside. I felt like I couldn’t breathe in there anymore and I didn’t want to be anywhere near them or their fucking traditions right then.
My father came outside about an hour later, just as I was desperately wishing I still smoked. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep my shit together without losing my fucking mind, and the one person who could always make me feel better about things was currently laying on a slab at the goddamned funeral home.
He sat down next to me and handed me a cup of tea, “Your mother made you this. She also made Cici some chocolate milk and is thinking about making cookies. Possibly some brownies as well. You know your mother.”
“She bakes when she’s nervous or upset,” I said as I sipped the peppermint tea. “I’m honestly surprised it took her this long to start.”
We sat there in silence for a few minutes before he spoke again, “I’m sorry they ambushed you. Your mother had to pull Bella out of the room before she gave Irina a piece of her mind.”
I laughed bitterly, “I wish she would have.”
“Edward,” he waited until I looked at him, “They’re hurting too. And this is something that their family has always done. At least take that into consideration before you give them your answer.”
He left me on the porch, and I stared up at the sky for another hour, wondering if my wife was looking back down at me and what she would’ve said.
***
I decided to allow the family burial, since I figured it was something she would’ve wanted. I called De Luca at the funeral home and told him that we wanted the dark cherry casket with the silver accents, and a spray of wild flowers. Tanya would’ve loved all the beautiful flowers instead of the stuffy ass roses you saw at most funerals.
De Luca reminded me that I needed to pick out some songs to play before the funeral started, and three specific ones to play during the funeral. I told him I’d have a CD for him and I’d give him a list of the people who would be speaking.
When I hung up the phone, I laid my head down on the desk and just stared at the fucking white wall. As much as I wanted to cry like a fucking baby at that moment, I couldn’t. My eyes were dry as a motherfucking desert and my heart had a gaping hole torn in it.
“Daddy… are you ok?”
I picked my head up and looked at my little girl standing in the doorway, dressed up in one of her princess costumes, “Yeah baby, I’m just a little tired. Do you wanna come sit with me for a little while?”
“Can we color?” she asked, running over and crawling into my lap.
I reached into the drawer and pulled out some colored pens, “Sure. What do you want to color?”
“Um… I wanna color a dog. Can he have a hat?”
“Of course he can have a hat. He can have whatever you want him to have,” I nuzzled my face into her hair and breathed in my daughter’s beautiful baby scent. God, I’d missed her so much.
I watched as she drew what she said was a dog, but looked more like a bubble with wings and large eyes. She drew three more bubbles in different colors and declared her masterpiece finished with a grin.
“Those are beautiful puppies, Cici!” I said, hoping my smile looked genuine enough.
“Those aren’t puppies Daddy! That’s our family!”
I was suddenly finding it hard to breathe, “Oh, really?”
“Uh huh! That’s you,” she pointed to the pink bubble, “and Aunt Bella,” the green bubble, “and Mommy and me!” The purple and yellow bubbles were holding hands. “Daddy, is Mommy coming back from her trip soon? I miss her.”
My entire body tensed up and I had to make an effort not to squeeze her too tightly. I took a few deep breaths, then a few more.
How the fuck do I tell my 5 year old that her mother is dead? How do you make a child understand death? Fuck!
I turned her to face me, “Cici, baby… Do you remember in church when your teacher talked about Heaven?”
She nodded, “It’s where God and the angels live.”
“That’s right, it is,” my eyes were beginning to burn and I had to swallow the bile that was sitting in the back of my throat. “Mommy had to go live in Heaven with God and the angels. But she’s watching you from Heaven right now, and she wants you to know that she loves you very, very much.”
“Will she come back to visit us?” she whispered, her eyes filling with tears.
“She can’t come visit us, baby. Heaven is very far away,” my voice broke right along with my heart.
“Then I’ll go visit her! We can get in the car and go. Mommy takes me in the car to see Mr. Charlie! You can take me to see Mommy!”
“We can’t drive to Heaven, baby.” I kept my voice as level and calm as I could, trying to make her understand that she wasn’t in trouble, “Heaven is very, very far and it’s up in the sky. Cars can’t reach it.”
“But I promise I’ve been a good girl! I promise I’m good! Mommy can come see me if I’m a good girl!”
I hugged her tighter to me, “You’re a very good girl Cici, and Mommy knows that. You didn’t do anything wrong, but God needed her to come live with him for a very special job. Your mommy is an angel now, baby. And she’s going to watch over us and make sure that we’re ok down here.”
Cici’s tears had become full-blown sobs as she buried her face in my shoulder, “I want my mommy!”
“I do too baby,” I whispered as I rubbed her back, “I do too.”
***
The day of the funeral, the sun was bright and the birds were singing. It’s almost like they were fucking mocking me, the bastards. Since Cici had her tiny little hand in mine, I resisted the urge to flip the chipper motherfuckers off as we walked into the funeral home.
De Luca greeted me with what I assume he thought was a properly somber tone, but all I could think was that he didn’t know my wife, and he had no fucking right to look so sad.
Get a fucking grip Cullen. Just because your world went swirling down the shitter doesn’t mean you have to be a dick to everyone around you.
He led us into what he referred to as “the family room” to settle in. I set up a little area for Cici to play, having decided that she shouldn’t see Tanya’s body. I didn’t think she’d understand why her mommy was sleeping and wouldn’t wake up.
My mother tried to insist that Cici be allowed to say goodbye properly, but I put my foot down. Bella agreed to sit with Cici for most of the viewing and would sit with me on the family side of the church. I’m not sure what I would’ve done without her. Probably would’ve just lost my fucking mind and sat in a corner staring at the wall, drooling on myself.
The visitors began arriving about an hour later, so I plastered a somber fake ass smile on my face and thanked each one for coming. I received so many hugs that I thought my fucking arms might fall off. Most of the viewing went by in a blur. I was there, but I wasn’t… It was hard for me to concentrate on what anyone was saying past “How are you doing” and “I’m so sorry for your loss”.
When the time came for the funeral to begin, Cici took my hand and I led her to a pew that was close to the front, but far enough away that Cici wouldn’t be able to see her mother’s body.
Was it a mistake bringing her? Is it a mistake not letting her see the body? Tanya would know what to do… fuck, why did you leave me Tanya?
After “Tears in Heaven” played Bella made her way to the front of the chapel. She had tears streaming down her face and a piece of paper clutched in her hand like it was a fucking lifeline. I held Cici closer to me and waited for Bella to begin.
“I met Tanya on a playground when we were 12 years old. Some little boy was pulling my hair and calling me a pale weirdo. I thought he was going to get meaner before Tanya showed up and literally kicked his butt,” she laughed a little, her voice quivering as she spoke. “Tanya was more than my best friend. She was the sister I never had, but always secretly wanted. She helped me through some really tough times – she was always the one person you knew you could count on. She was the one I went to when I had a problem, when I had good news to share, or when I just wanted to shoot the breeze. I know that I’m blessed to have had someone like her in my life, and I’m going to focus on the good times we shared together, because I think that’s how Tanya would’ve wanted it – for me to celebrate that she was such a fantastic person.” She turned to look down at the casket, “I’m going to miss you. Thank you for being my friend and my honorary sister.”
When Bella stepped down, the tears were flowing faster than before. She sat next to Cici, who immediately crawled into Bella’s lap and gave her a hug.
“It’s ok Aunt Bella,” Cici said, patting Bella’s arm, “don’t be sad.”
This only made Bella cry harder, so I handed her a tissue. I’ve never been good with crying… especially when I’m feeling nothing except profound fucking numbness. I knew I should be crying. I knew I should be showing some kind of emotion. But at that point, I couldn’t wrap my fucking brain around the fact that she was really gone.
The next song began and I could hear a few people in the back of the chapel openly sobbing. I actually sort of envied the woman, whoever she was, for being able to cry like that. Ever since Colonel Daniels came to see me at the internet café, the most I could do was have my eyes water up a little bit. I threw up a few times, but no tears. What kind of man can’t fucking cry when his wife dies?
When the song was over, Kate stepped up to the front of the chapel, straightened the hem of her dress, and stared at the piece of paper in front of her. I could see her hands shaking, and the tears streaming down her face.
“Tanya-” she began, but choked on a sob. She cleared her throat and tried again, “Tanya was more than a niece to me. She was like the daughter I never had but always wanted. I can remember when she used to come to my house and she’d made me play with her dolls, or we’d play dress up with my clothes. And when she had her own little girl, I just knew that I’d play dolls and dress up with her too. Tanya was very much about her family. She loved fiercely and loyally, and she protected her own. She was one of the strongest, most wonderful people I’ve ever known… And I will miss her terribly.”
The song that Tanya used to sing while she was doing the dishes began, and it struck me how fitting the words were. I wondered if she ever pondered her death… or mine.
And I bless the day I met you, And I thank God that He let you, Lay beside me for a moment that lives on, And the good news is I’m better, For the time we spent together, And the bad news is you’re gone.
I almost didn’t get up when the song was over. I stared at the floor, just next to the casket that held my wife’s body, and found myself unable to move. I just fucking knew if I got up, this would really be goodbye… and I didn’t know if I could deal with that.
I felt Bella touch my arm, “Edward, it’s your turn.” she whispered.
I nodded and stood. Walking over to the front of the chapel, I refused to look into the casket. If I looked into that box, I’d probably fucking lose my shit and there was no fucking way I was going to do that in front of all these people.
“My wife and I have been best friends since we were in diapers,” I began, my voice only shaking a little, “our moms were best friends, so it was really only fitting that we were too. I don’t know if they planned on us falling in love, but I’m sure they were just as happy as we were when we did.
“The happiest days of my life all revolve around her – the day I asked her to be my girlfriend, the day I asked her to be my wife, the day we stood together and took our vows to love each other for eternity, and the day she brought our daughter into this world. She was an amazing wife, a wonderful mother, and a fantastic person. God blessed me the day He brought us into each other’s lives, and I will always consider myself lucky that she chose me to spend the rest of hers with me.”
I walked back to the family pew and sat next to my daughter, who crawled into my lap and reached up to kiss me on the cheek. I buried my face in her hair, which was the same color as Tanya’s, and held her as close to me as I could.
I only vaguely registered the rest of the funeral. Whatever the pastor was saying, it might as well have been in another fucking language. All I could hear was the mantra in my head – the same one I’d been secretly repeating again and again since that night in Iraq. The same one I’d somehow convinced myself would come true and this would all be a really fucking bad dream.
Not real. Not real. Not real. Not fucking real.
Bella tugged my arm to get my attention. Irina, Kate, and I were supposed to stand at the front of the chapel while the rest of the guests filed past and offered condolences, like that would fucking help us through our grief. Bella took Cici outside to get a drink of water and avoid the chance that she’d see what I could seem to make her understand – that Mommy wasn’t going to ever fucking wake up again.
So many people filtered through that fucking line, shaking my hand, hugging me, or touching me on the shoulder. To this day, I can’t remember a single person’s face, what they said, or whether or not we even fucking knew them. Once everyone but immediate family was gone, Irina, Kate, and I were left alone with the casket to say our goodbyes. I stood back as they cried and held each other, uncomfortable as hell and wondering how they’d react when I faced that casket with a fucking blank face.
Not real. Not real. Not real. This is not fucking real.
De Luca tapped me on the shoulder and reminded me that this was my last chance to say goodbye to my wife. I wondered if he made a habit out of watching all the widowers that closely or if I was fucking special, but I decided to keep my mouth shut.
Irina and Kate stepped away from the casket, both sobbing quietly and holding hands. As they walked towards the back of the chapel to leave, I moved towards Tanya’s body.
Not real. Not real. Not real.
I looked in the fucking wood and metal box, and couldn’t breathe anymore. She didn’t look like my Tanya anymore. Her face looked almost plastic in its serenity. She wasn’t smiling that smile she always had for me when I walked in the door or when Cici did something cute. Most importantly, she wasn’t throwing her arms around my neck and telling me that she loved me.
Not real. Not real. Not real.
“Mr. Cullen?” De Luca gently said from behind me, “It’s time to close the lid and move to the gravesite.”
I just nodded.
When he removed the picture from the floral arrangement, I didn’t flinch. When he moved the wild flowers from on top of the casket, I didn’t move. But when he closed the lid on the casket, obscuring my view of Tanya forever, I fucking lost it.
“I’ll never see her again,” I wailed, my voice coming out like a wounded animal as I collapsed next to the casket, “Why did this fucking happen?” The tears that wouldn’t come before were making up for lost time, dripping down my chin and leaving wet marks on my uniform jacket, “Why did you fucking leave me Tanya?”
Oh God. It’s real.
Kris Scott's Fan Fiction 